DEA warns that 84% of heroin is tainted with "the vile mummy essence."

"The vile essences distilled from beyond the shadow of centuries! You don't know the things I've seen!" screamed DEA chairman Aaron Shnieldeman in a press conference yesterday. His secretary apologized, saying that his boss was a bit overworked. He then went on to explain that mummy, or mumia, is a popular pharmaceutical that, as it's name implies, is pressed from mummies, and has recently found favor as an admixture to heroin, due to certain special qualities that it possesses. Unfortunately, the most recent shipment of mummy to this country was pressed from the body of the high priest Nyarlahotep, whose body was tainted by dark essences when he traveled beyond the veil of darkness to receive unspeakable secrets. Use of the tainted heroin may cause the user to be transformed into an unspeakable monstrosity; caution is advised.